japanese gum.

So I've decided to start posting in this yet again. Not really because I missed it, mostly because getting high every day is getting kind of old, and I don't really have that many friends who give a shit about my crazy theories on life. My shoes are falling apart - I always wear them until they're barely threads. Soooo, I'm dating someone, I'm a lover, it happens. After getting hurt, a brief engagement with someone from left field, and an unexpected need for a lose, I'm happy to say I'm where I want to be, with who I am want to be with. For all that's worth - it's worth a lot coming from me.
Obsession: Adem.
I'm a strange person, and constantly changing.

-Bridget

I write to you at 2something in the morning from a sick ridden bed in Myrtle Beach. I am at my friend's family's guest bedroom, and I couldn't sleep. I've consulted WebMD and I'm pretty sure I have strep throat - it hurts extremely much to swallow and I don't have a runny nose or anything like that. I barely talk, it hurts. I need a doctor, but have no time to go to the doctor and I cannot afford to miss class. Infectionsss yum. My body is falling apart. Maybe while they are taking out my tonsils, adenoids, and uvula, I should get them to just amputate my throat all together, lol, I would look silly.

I feel like a wreck. I've been sleeping all day, which is really ironic because I don't sleep, I hold my breath and wake up every 2 minutes. So all day, I've been pretending to sleep, somewhat. I am in such a bleh middle ground in life, I feel like an amoeba just inching around trying to get by. Please do not notice me, I feel disgusting. My grandma is pissed off at me, for what? For going to school, being mature, wanting more out of life than mundane routines? She always throws in my face that Melissa left me. I'm not sure when she started called her Melissa and not "your mother" anymore. I need to get away, seriously. I need to know someone thinks I'm worth something. I think I'm going to go stay with John in Canada, is that far enough away? For now? Even my dog thinks I am a loser, thanks Simon. I need to cut his nails.
Denial. Where I am. Where I'm stuck. Save me.

Morning moi. I just drinking some nice joe with Charmed on the TV in the background. I've loved that show since I was in elementary school. I woke up at like 6 this morning, but the woman that as the apartment directly behind me, she has an alarm on her alarm clock that goes off after she leaves, and it's SO LOUD. I think it's right behind the wall that my bed is against, at least that is what it sounds like.
I have my critique today in Fundamentals of 3D Design, on my high heel that I constructed out of just wire. I went over to Tiffany's last night with lots of snacks and finally finished it. Her roommates thought it was really cool looking, but art professors always judge harshly, so. I still have no idea what to do for my Computer Graphics project. I am supposed to make a map, like a treasure map, but it could be anything, doesn't have to just be "piratey" and the treasure can be whatever you want, Any ideas?
The weather has been so amazing lately, I'm going to take Simon for a long long walk tonight. There is a big neighborhood next to my apartment complex, I'll walk around there.
I think I'm a hard person to love. I'm always changing my mind, my thoughts, myself. Seth told me he thinks I don't let people in. I have a rough exterior for sure, but for good reason. Maybe I'll find someone worth letting it down for. Maybe.

-Bridget

So, it's been a long time since I've posted in here. I finally got the fuck out of Gardner-Webb, and I'm not looking back. I live in Spartanburg, South Carolina now. I don't feel the need for a little update, an update will be relevant if I post more.

So, the weather lately makes me want to fall in love, it is so amazing. I slept in this morning because my 3D professor was at some feminist rally in New Orleans. I woke up at like 10 and took Simon(my greyhound) out, and even though I was in short shorts, and a overly large T-shirt with no bra, I wanted to stay outside, forever. hahaha. I got in such a good mood for the day. Not to mention cute texts from Brandon, they always make me smile, he makes me smile. Unfortunately I'm not obsessed, lawl. I'm in the smoker circle at school. Basically anyone that is cool smokes, so on our breaks from our tremendously long studio art classes, I hang with them. I'm the only girl, which is okay because I don't really get along with girls, too much drama, and I have the tendency to be blunt, which hurts feelings. I need to find someone to go to Tegan and Sara with me at the end of this month, because I was going to take my friend, but she started some unnecessary drama. And she is a full fledged lesbian, and she STILL acted ridiculous. Lol, like I have some idea in my head that lesbians are all chill. hahha. Not really. I might take the best bath of my life tonight, just because.

I can hear the trains....

The human races disgusts me.
I'm never getting close to anyone again, all I do is hurt and disappoint.
I'm not answering my phone for anyone except my grandma and I'm not talking to anyone on the internet at all.
I'm reclusing, and I don't give a shit about anyone.
I'm a cold bitch and that will never change.
Yep.

Try to compromise something other than your own mind.
My head is on the ground because you can't hold
Your own hate and can only point your finger
At the differences you secretly pine to desire.
Stop, because your messiah hasn't saved me yet,
And since you are nothing like him,
I'll take my own word rather than a contradictory soul.
Clutch close your pennies and dimes;
At night they are the only things that will keep you warm.
Joy, now the cycle keeps turning,
And our lives endless in churning.
Hold still.

I love my new birdie tat.I should name it/he/she. I'll let Jon name it. He gets to see it no matter what I'm wearing, or lack of wearing. So I've been biting my lips pretty hardcore these days, like tearing the skin off and stuff. It sort of feels good, like a good kind of pain, weird? Biting the skin off of my lips as been my new nervous twitch, and so most days my lips look fucked up. I should really stop. I've been notice my craving for alcohol getting more and more lately, now I'm even more like my dad.



love of my life.

I wrote a song on my guitar today, it's been forever since I have. It was mostly about my inner struggle with religion. If you don't know, I go to a Baptist University, pretty much everyone here are southern, Bible hugging, gay hating, ignorant Christians. It's like these people have no idea what Christianity is really about, ummmmm, being like CHRIST. If anyone has read the Bible, they should know that Jesus did not hang out with Christians all day, and spent most of his time with "sinners" which apparently modern day Christians think they aren't. It also says in the Bible that all sins are equal and that only God can judge. Yes that means lying to your parents is equal to "that gay boy" fucking his boy toy night after night, GET OVER IT. How in the hell are you supposed to win someone over when all you have in you is o hate whatever is different than you? I'm sorry that your parents don't know what the fuck they are talking about and taught you all the wrong things, but we're big boys and girls now, think for yourself. It's really irritating. If your motive is to belittle and stick your nose up at anything that is different than you, than you are certainly in the wrong religion. I believe the religion you are worshiping is the religion of yourself, have fun with that.

I am so sick of all these studio art classes. I'm really into the art history stuff, I'm not really a self proclaimed artist or anything like that. Yeah, I'm a little handy with the graphite or the camera, but that's about it, and it really kills me that I'm getting criticized on my art, which I thought was the one thing I could express my individual creativity in. My art teachers don't really get my ideas and just keep telling me I'm doing things wrong, how can my art be soooooo wrong? I had to get a paper read for English today and the helper told me that for papers I shouldn't use contractions, so "I'm" should be "I am". Um, fuck you, my tone in writing uses conjunctions, otherwise I'd sound like all the other jokers in the world trying to be proper. Individuality people! Stop trying to stifle it. She also tried to say that I can't refer to obesity as a disease, because that is something you can control. I pointed out to her that alcoholism is considered a disease which could fall under the category as "something you can control". She said "well that's debatable," and I said, "Well my father died of alcoholism, so I'll stick to what I know, thanks." Lovely. What kind of learning environment is this? They just want us to all be carbon copies of the past. I'll take my chances otherwise, thanks anyway.

-Bridget

Oh, and this one is for everyone in need of a smile -



much love and peace.

Forget my last post, it's idiotic.




One day I'll figure myself out. I have been craving vodka for the past like, month. I really think I could easily have an alcohol dependency if I was twenty-one years old. Today is Valentine's day and I am alone. Yesterday was my Valentine's day with Jon. Today I made Marlee suck it up and get some coffee with me. She is a forced Valentine. Then we went to CVS and I bought a lavender growing kit. Jenna was supposed to come over but of course she made plans while we already had plans and she won't be here until pretty late. Does everyone just consider me a pushover? Am I that easy to blow off? Obviously.

LOOK HOW LONG MY HAIR IS GETTING!!!!!



oh yeah.
I'll just sit and watch my lavender grow.

I got a new tattoo yesterday.



It's healing nicely. I'm in the 'ol hometown right now, but the house is empty and I loveeeeee that. Sabrina has yet to call me. I called Ashley earlier and we are going to hang out after she gets done with some stuff. I gotta say, I'm kind of nervous. Ashley is the only girl I've ever been like really good friends with. We had a bad falling out and we're on good terms now but's it's taken almost two semesters to try and arrange a hang out with her. Hopefully things will go okay and we'll have fun. I'm still nervous. 
I talked to Grandma about renting an apartment after this semester of hell at GWU. I can't wait to leave the dump. The only thing is tuition for Converse is the same as tuition AND board for GWU. I don't have that kind of money. I know I want to go to Converse for my masters, but I'm sort of in a rut for the BA. Just one more stress added on, oh fun. 
JOY!. 
-Bridget 

This is me trying to hide in the coffee shop so my roommate can read the letter I typed for her.





don't I look so happy? lol.

I'm going apartment shopping with my most recent and most bearable ex, Jon, tomorrow. I'm thinking about getting a cheap apartment with him in Spartanburg, leaving GWU now so I can get my money back, work my ass off until the Fall, save up money, and start at Converse (who undoubtedly has an amazing art program) in the Fall. It's an idea, but ideas around here never last. Here is the letter I left for my roommate (Hannah) to read.

"Hannah,

I’m not moving out. I’m sorry that you have so much anger towards me, but honestly this is just ridiculous. You can’t live with me because I wear perfume, watch MTV, have fits of rage, and I’m different than you? Welcome to the real world where the majority of people wear perfume, watch MTV, deal with problems in different ways, are not exactly like you and many who are not as nice as I am as far as roommates are concerned. Do you realize how much you are asking of me? You have a problem with me, so I’m the one that is supposed to move out? You cannot run away from your problems, you need to communicate with me. Consider it practice for when you get out of Gardner-Webb and have to deal with all kinds of DIFFERENT people. Especially as a missions major Hannah, you are going to come across all walks of life, and if you are seriously thinking about trying to help people religiously, you cannot just run away when things get tough. You are going to come across people who smoke, drink, are gay, party, people that need Jesus in their lives, and you can’t just right them off as different and move on to the next person. I feel like you don’t see me for who I am,  all you see me for are the little imperfections you have thought up about me, and discussed with the majority of the hall. You and I aren’t committed to each other for the next three years, but as roommates we have the responsibility of working things out and dealing with the problems. If you want, write down everything you want to change and I can work on them. I don’t have a problem compromising myself for three months for someone I care about. Everyone I talk to about this is like “you just need to stand your ground and not move out and tell her tough luck” and I’m just like “you don’t understand, I really like Hannah,” and I do, and I’m trying to make this as easy and smooth for you as I can, but you can only ask so much of me. Realistically, asking me to move all my stuff out because you aren’t happy with me isn’t fair. Michelle and Ashley obviously have major problems, but they are being mature about this, and if I recall correctly, weren’t you the main person who was trying to get them to talk things out? Why is it any different for us? Just think about it before you make any big decisions, because I care about you a lot, and I try to understand you for who you are and I just wish you could do the same for me.

-Bridget "



oh geez.

My college life isn't getting any better. My roommate just recently told me that she wants me to move out because I wear perfume, snore, have fits of rage (never towards her, mind you), I have tattoos and piercings, and that since living with me and me watching MTV she's found herself watching it, she never did before, and she can tell that it's had an impact on "who she is" and that's something that cannot be taken back. Am I seriously in this twisted world right now? I got a fucking speeding ticket the other day, because I as driving trying to get all of this sorted in my mind, and my mind slipped on the speed of my vehicle. I owe Shelby county $170 that I don't have by Feb. 15. I need a man. Ya know, those people my age with penises that are supposed to take care of the female. I don't know what I'm doing at this college. My last roommate went to bed at 9pm, so I ditched that and now I can't watch MTV or wear perfume? Let's be honest here... I'm not a bad roommate, at all. I'm respectful, nice, clean. I curse like a sailor and I haven't said one curse word around my roommate because I know she doesn't like that, and I can't watch a little MTV because it's eating her soul? I had a class this morning, but I can't fucking go. I can't focus in class, at all, because of all this shit going on, so I'm not even going to the class. I was thinking about dropping that class anyway, it's useless. I'm thinking about dropping from this college all together. I'm so easy to live with and I get stuck with all these jackasses that don't know how to live with someone. IT'S COLLEGE, you don't get perfect roommates, get over it. I'm still wearing my perfume. She's got the problem and I'm the one that has to move out, don't you see the fucked upness in this? I'm just trying to get my masters in art, because it's what I have to do to become an art professor. If I have to live with people like this along the way, fuck it. I can't stand girls.

I don't know where I am in my life right now. I feel so alone, but I'm surrounded by so many people. I know that isn't unheard of, but it still makes me feel like shit. This weekend I went to visit my brother in Columbia to have a good time and get away for a while and all I did was wallow myself in more problems. Friday night I went down to Dan's (my brother) house and I got drunk on vodka before the show that night, Baumer was playing at New Brooklyn Tavern. I show up, drunk, dancing my booty off and of course no one is dancing, they're all just watching the band, weird. I met this guy, I think his name was Travis. He was weird, I as drunk, long story short, I took him back to Dan's. Dan took a bunch of acid and went to the Art  Bar with some friends and I fucked Travis and he preceded to write in his blog on my computer until 5 in the morning and lurk the house while I was sleeping. I got paranoid and took him home and .... it was horrible. Of course I was hung over the next day but sort of excited about seeing my friend Chris, who had just moved back to Columbia from MA that morning. I went to the movies with Dan Saturday, we saw Cloverfield, I was really disappointed in the monster. Dan was on an all time down from his acid, he told me he felt like someone had stolen his sole. That late afternoon I went over to Chris' house, who I am sort of "talking to", and met his ex and her boyfriend that he is now living with. I'm 18, Chris is 25, all of his friends are 25, and even though I act older than my age, can you understand how I felt a bit.... overwhelmed? To top it all off Chris is the most touchy-feely person on this earth and I'm the exact opposite. I don't like PDA, hell I don't like being intimate a lot either way. Just the way I am, thanks to how I was raised and never shown how intimacy is supposed to happen. We watched some zombie movie, which was the highlight of the night and went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like my throat was going to close and I had claustrophobia to the nth degree. He called me "his girl" which is something my father only called me so I was immediately offended, of course I'm calm and collected on the outside, the whole time. the next morning I had to take a shower with him, drink the nastiest coffee ever, and take him to Dan's friend's Jason's house were he acted like he was the shit. I wanted to puke. I dropped him off and thoroughly enjoyed my alone time on the drive back. I called Jon and asked to hang out with him, we're watching Juno and he tried to turn me on, and I'm still sore from my whole fucked up weekend. I tell him I'm not in the mood. Even though Jon and I dated and I'm probably the closest to him, we aren't dating now. He tries again. I tell him again, back off. Finally it gropes my boobs and I flip, walk out the door, leave. I have been eating so unhealthily today, thank you depression. To make everything so much better, I get to my dorm and I feel like everyone doesn't like me here. I know I'm a little different, I have tattoos, I listen to different music, I have opinions, but I am generally nice and always welcoming. I feel like no one really likes me. I tried to do some laundry but of course the washer and dryer are full with someone else's shit. So maybe I'll get some clothes in tonight at like midnight.... GREAT. I need help.  

I can't sleep. My throat is sore as shit, it's hot as shit, and my I can't get comfortable in my bed worth a shit. Aren't I the little potty mouth tonight?
I got some new ink tonight. Bradley just called me out of nowhere wanting me to get some matching ink with him, and well, I did.













It hurt like hell, but it was worth it. It's an eye on either side of the foot, four eyes in all between the both of us. His tat eyes are blue, because my eyes are blue and my tat eyes are green because his eyes are green. We are not connected for life, I love it. Marlee captured the whole experience on film. The three of us had a blast.
I have class at 8 in the morning and I can't fucking get some sleep. This sucks. I know my roommate is hating me not being able to sleep, poor Hannah. Sorry, I'm sickkk.

11:50am
Lol, my brother just told me that my grandma found out that I went to Virginia to see Missy instead of Candie like 3 months ago. Missy and her sister aren't in a great state right now, they do drugs and stuff, but they were my best friends all through growing up. Plus, I'm 18, I can go wherever the fuck I want to go. My car is in my name, I pay for my gas, they can get over it. I just need to get dressed and get out of here. Why can't Monday be like tomorrow?? So I can LEAVE, my family drives me crazy. I never want to be here again.

So after helping my grandma take down all the Christmas decorations, I sort of just sulked around. I decided to call Jon and hang out with him tonight. Jon Bell, as in my most recently ex boyfriend of four months.


At the moment we aren't "dating", my decision. I'm extremely indecisive when it comes to relationships. I'm a Gemini - that should explain it all. There are two sides of me and they never agree with each other. Well tonight, I agreed to hang out with Jon. We played Wii, watched the Placebo in Paris (Soulmates never die) DVD, got some coffee, fucked, and well that was about it. Oh, I did steal a flask and some incense from his brother. After I broke up with Jon, his brother talked some mad shit about me, sooo, yeah, now he's flaskless and incenseless. I can't help but sleep with Jon, he honestly was the first person I started spending the night with repeatedly, I was in love. When you are used to waking up with someone and seeing their face almost every morning, you can't just let go. I'm just in a different place in life than he is right now, and it's better that we break from each other. These occasional get togethers are quite nice though, I have to admit. I'm so ready for this semester to start back up. I miss my roommate and all the girls I live with. Also, I've picked my smoking habit back up. After last semester's final exams and breaking up with Jon and dealing with my insane family, I just couldn't help myself. Hopefully I can drop the stress and the habit soon, my university campus is smoke free.

So Marcus just called. There was music in the background and I heard guys talking, but I could definitely make out him asking me to hang out with him tomorrow morning for coffee possibly. Hmm, last time Marcus and I hung out it was over Summer break, right before I left for art school. Him and his long term girl were on the splits and he couldn't get over my newly pierced tits. Hah. He's doing the band thing, and I'm doing the art school thing, so we rarely have time to chill, but I am actually very excited. I think I just might get up really early and doll myself up, despite my recent sore throat I have going on. Marcus and I dated years ago, and there was never really closure, which is why I'm always drawn to him when he comes back around, plus, he's a yummy latino boy! I am thinking about laying it out for him too, and just being like "hey, you're rarely in town, I'm rarely in town, but I'm head over heels for you, and I know you're digging me, so how about we agree to be seeing each other when we're rarely in town doll." ACK I'm so excited! 

Hello livejournal! My name is Bridget, I'm an art student in North Carolina. My specialty is photography and I'd kill to learn ceramics. Pretty much this journal is going to be a place to stash my thoughts and snapshots. Enjoy.